This PSA is brought to you by it’s Friday. Although allegorical I think the following is realistic, but if you read to the end you may be surprised.

I met a vampire. The milk of human kindness was poison to him, so he set about to sour it. How hard would this be? Does anyone really like vampires? Despondency, angst, fear, etc. are acceptable. Everything in the selfish family. Here’s an example. Once I sat in his living room and he told me how mad he was about me helping someone I’m close to. Most people are going to be angry at anyone who challenges what they do for someone they love. Whether you agreed or disagreed it was a win for him.

At first I liked the guy. Then he got to work souring things and I liked him less and less. And he drank. I grew angrier, he drank some more. It’s a little embarrassing to relate because this was not a debonair vampire. He was unkempt, bathed infrequently, ate with noisy slurps, and cried publicly when he was cut off or dinner wasn’t flowing fast enough. No one else could get away with that, certainly not me, but somehow it was always okay for him. Call me a fool. I let it go on and on. If hindsight was foresight it would be obvious but they’re tricky creatures, good at disguises and their best trick, of course, is we don’t believe in them. When what was happening finally began to dawn on me, I told myself it was a field study, I should learn what we’re dealing with here. That was a mistake. Still he fed.

There’s not much use in telling anyone. A few people asked me what was going on. They complained about anemia. I pointed to him and said “duh, he’s a vampire.” When you tell someone there’s a vampire they might listen but most of the time that’s not going to last. Pus can be dripping from your pierced ectoplasmic shell and you’ll hear “he’s a really good person.” Everyone around you might say you’re nuts and you may feel like the crazy one but believe me, it only gets better when you get away and cut off contact.

I firmly believe in enlightened interdependence. If you want to share your blood or anything else, go right ahead. Just be sure that’s actually your opinion and not someone else’s. With all the neurolinguistic programming and everything else these days it can be hard to tell. Look at how social media skewed the last election. Is your mind really your own? If they ever get you to stare at a pendant, listen to their chanting, meditate with them or anything else like that, you’re a goner.

The vampire is a territorial creature. If you enter a social circle where they’re already established, you don’t stand a chance. They will already have everyone else won over to their side. When anyone complains about them, they’ll say “but you don’t have any right to interfere with how I live.” It sounds right, and when you’re with a vampire your critical faculties will be compromised. Being near one feels a lot like being underwater. You feel like agreeing until they leave and your head clears. Fooled again.

In moments like that it’s helpful to have some sure fire markers of a vampire memorized. It helps cut through the fog even when you’re in their dampening field. It’s a lot like remembering something like a phone number in a dream. Here’s one. Never trust someone you’re in a conflict with who says something like “I’m glad you came over, I only wish you’d stay.” Who in their right mind would want someone they think is an asshole to stay any longer than absolutely necessary? A vampire, that’s who. Nothing is sweeter to them than this kind of dissonance.

If you had astral vision in a moment like that you’d see them glommed onto your head, humping your ear with tentacle protuberances in the place of a mouth jammed in every open orifice you’ve got. And the look on their faces…pure orgasmic bliss getting stronger and stronger as they continue to hump and hump, while you get madder and madder and madder. Sooo sweet for them. Unless of course you’re resistant. Then it’s painful and alarming to them. The vampire is egotistical and used to getting its way.

In the end if you are one of the one in several thousand people that can resist them, a vampire is going to want you gone, and gone for good. They can’t have intelligence catching on, everything needs to be dumbed down, everyone in a constant state of confusion and/or frustration. The only solution is to find compassion for them no matter how impossible that might seem while you also speak your mind completely and with no hesitation. It’s not easy, under a vampire’s sway a mob of villagers will easily turn their torches on you. If it’s like that the best thing to do is to hit the road as fast as you can. Sooner or later their prey become secondary vampires and that is not a pretty picture.

The only people they can really tolerate is their own children. They can shape them without having to explain a thing and it all seems perfectly normal. The social contract. Who ever really questions what anyone does with their kids? In the early stages, their children will carry out their wishes just to please them even if they regret it later. Half the time they won’t even know what their parent is doing. The inner turmoil that causes the kiddies is just the kind of habitat the vampire needs. If they won’t comply? That’s also frustrating for the child and they become another victim, first of mom or dad, then later on of siblings who take up the mantle. Unless they manage to get away. Most never do.

If the vampire sees there’s no use trying any more and they really need you gone, they’ll do something so heinous you can’t stand it another minute and you have to get away. This generates a final draught of the sweet nectar of your vital fluids for them at the same time they get you out of their hair. They don’t kill much anymore, it leaves a trail of evidence and lessens their chance of survival.

When a vampire is exposed you have only two courses of action (well three, if you feel opening another vein is an answer). You can kill them. For just about everyone this is not realistic, but historically it wasn’t difficult. Look at the archaeological evidence for bog bodies pinned under boulders in swamps and marshes and the increasing number of ancient “vampire burials” being uncovered in Romania and other places in Eastern Europe, in which the remains are found with a stake through the heart.

Now killing is not much better for us than it is for them. These days the best answer is first to get away, then to to live and let live. Finding compassion for even the worst parasites in the world is actually a great repellant. In the end you’ll be glad you did. Life gets better and better. Most people have a hard time developing this faculty, with good reason. It seems counter- intuitive but it’s four-alarm psychic kryptonite to all their kind. They may try to come around, briefly, but no vampire will really bother you ever again.

God bless everyone. No exceptions.